Poetry by Chris- My heart is mending & my mind is true, but my soul is still hurting...wouldn't yours too?

CLOSE YET FAR

As I sit here thinking about what to share, I am listening to a song called Revive, by one of my favourite bands The Anchor. Each of the songs they put out is so powerful and this new single is no different and the words literally are ringing through my ears:

“I can’t keep doing this to myself,
I’m running in circles again.
I am my own worst enemy,
I have to start believing in myself”.

This verse really speaks to me, in-particularly the last line: “I have to start believing in myself”, mainly because It seems like such an easy thing to think, but a mountain of a challenge to do.

Now, this might sound completely random as you haven’t a clue who I am. My name is Simon, from Blackburn, I’m 31 and I’m trying to follow my dream of being a Mystery Performer. If you saw me walking down the street, you wouldn’t think I suffered from depression. At the time of writing this, I have a bright purple Mohawk and tattoos covering my hands. I stand out from a mile away, but like the saying goes: “Never judge a book by its cover”.

I have suffered with depression and low mood for around 10-11 years now and, until recently, I really did think that this would be the way it would always be for me: living with a darkness inside that feeds off all the negativity I throw at myself and keeping me from going after my dreams.

My life over these 10-11 years has felt like a real stop/start story, especially when it has come to believing in myself. People often say that believing in yourself is easy, that anyone can do it and all you need to do is just get up and aim for what you want.  They seem to tackle life without fear and attack their challenges head on. Whereas I have always seemed to start something and feel like I am going somewhere, then the darkness takes over and BOOM I’m back to picking myself up and trying to get back to a normal point.

An example of this was in 2013 when I was in my first year of university. I had gone down to London with my friend and his wife to watch the UFC at Wembley Arena. I had enjoyed myself on the night but when I led in bed afterwards, all I could think of was the impending doom of going back to the grind of uni. The darkness started whispering to me that I wasn’t good enough to be there, that I would fail, that I’m a horrible person, won’t go anywhere in life and should just end it all because I’m worthless and nobody really likes me.

All the next day on the coach back up to Preston I was trying to be happy with my friend but deep down I was spiralling. When I got back to my halls of residence, my flat just felt tiny and I felt trapped. I rang my Dad and said I needed to come home for a bit. He picked me up in Blackburn (That’s right I didn’t go too far away for uni!) and I took a week off from studying. What really struck me about this phase was that I thought I could hide my depression and after such a high of seeing the UFC Live, I was now trying to keep it a secret I felt so down, but my Dad could see right through it and actually told me a week later that when I walked out of the train station I looked that low that he thought that was it for me.

I managed to get through university but throughout the past ten years I’ve had many of these moments and when I do, music has been a comfort as the bands I listen to seem to be able to sum up exactly how I feel; particularly the Amity Affliction:  

“I’ve been searching for an exit,
But I’m lost inside my head;
Where I spend every waking moment,
Wishing this would end.

I can't take another step, I cannot live inside my mind,
I can't face another day, I am so fucking tired”.

Whenever I am feeling low this is what I tell people it feels like, it feels like I am trapped and want to get out of it but just can’t.

So, how does this relate to believing in myself? Well, with all the times of stopping and starting, mixed with me having such a low opinion of myself (I find it easier to put myself down than accept criticism) I feel like believing in myself is something which is setting me up for failure. My mind always tells me that if I believe in myself, that is me having an ego and that I will ultimately fail. When I’m low, I believe that, but when I’m content and happy I know it is a load of rubbish.

As I write this I am in a good place, I am moving slowly to start my business and take the steps needed to really believe in myself and give myself the best chance at being happy.

In January this year I had a low week, where I came close to taking my own life, but I didn’t do anything, and it leads me to think how can I go from being so low to two months later writing this and having a belief in myself?

It isn’t a life changing affirmation that I’ve had or magically got better overnight, but I read something by Derren Brown where he said: “We can only control what we think and do” and it struck me that if I want to go places in life, I’m the only one who can make it happen and I don’t want to look back and think that I didn’t give it my all.

So, I’ve started seeing some awesome people (a counsellor, shine coaching and a mentor/friend) who give me the chance to talk about how I feel and, most importantly, boost my mood. From this I’ve tried to start busying myself more, give myself small things to do and work slowly, at my own pace, towards my goals.  I am also trying to be more positive with my self-talk and not focus on what can go wrong with something but look at what I am going to do as something which will develop me and push me forward.

I know that my own worst enemy is myself and the darkness within, but no one can fix me, but me. As much as being depressed feels like the norm and I feel the dark thoughts swimming around each day, I know that I have the strength to take it slowly and give myself praise for everything I do. Belief is taking these little strengths and knowing you have done well, even if its just getting up in the morning and forcing you through the day.

In the end, my belief has come from a combination of things and people who have my best interests at heart. When I take a step back I know that I have people in my life who believe in me and see that goodness and how I can be successful if I just try. One of the definitions for belief is: “an acceptance that something exists or is true, especially one without proof” and the crazy thing from writing that is that I do have proof, I have the people around me who have stuck with me and give proof that there is something special inside of me.

Little by little I am moving onwards, I know that there will be bumps along the way and times when I don’t want to go on, especially with wanting to take my business to the next level. I will have to face my fears head on. This still makes me nervous, but by knowing that I have a support network around me and telling myself more that I can do it,

I am more excited, than ever before, to move forward with my life and as my all-time favourite band Hollywood Undead say:

“One day, you will finally see

That scars will heal, but we're meant to bleed”.